Mental Warfare: Silence Is Golden

BLAH BLAH BLAH: stop talking.  Sometimes the best way to say the most is to close your yapper.  Here are a few examples how, when, where and why.

You find out your boyfriend cheated on you.

You dump him (rightfully, what a dog). Unfortunately this is the 6th time you’ve dumped him for this, but the first time you’ve used your new strategy.  When he calls, tweets, emails and shows up at your apartment, you’ve got to do the cut and be silent.  Give it a month (ouch, I know it hurts, but you can do it!) and let him sit in it.  The dose of his own medicine may not cure his illness, but he’ll hear it louder than anything else you could have said.

• The words you didn’t have to say:  “I have self respect and I’m not going to be treated poorly.  You need to change your ways and be a good man if you want to be with me”

You are at the negotiation table of life.

So you’ve put it out there for what you want.  Maybe you asked for a better grade, a raise, a bonus, to get married, to break up, to make up.  Just be quiet.  Let the silence build, maybe even become a little awkward, but hold your cards and let the opponent answer first.  Knowing more information works in your favor: he who talks, loses.

• The words you didn’t have to say:  “I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours.”

You are furious in the moment with a friend who has done you wrong.

Whatever they said or did, and however angry you are, if you can handle the emotional intensity and handle things calmly (or remove yourself abruptly) you will be greatful and look classy.  Spewing words you only mean in the moment to take quick jabs will only lead YOU to apologize, which stinks to do when someone else was wrong in the first place.

• The words you didn’t have to say: “You messed up, but I’m bigger than losing my cool and I take myself seriously.  I will give you mercy, but plan on apologizing in a soulful conversation later to me.”

You messed up on something small and you are getting reemed for it.

Less is more.  Allowing someone to vent, whether it is your boss, client, coworker, friend, family member, or boyfriend, when you are caught with your pants down is the best strategy.  Hear out the person who has been wronged (they deserve it) and take some mental notes (and plan on backing it up, if they have personal standards).  A simple: “I’m sorry I messed up and it has hurt you” will do the trick, instead of digging the hole deeper.

• The words you didn’t have to say: “I’m not going to sweet talk my way out of this.  I’m accountable, sorry and you can expect me to be honest, legit and listen”.

Cut It Out: How to Shorten a Break Up

It’s the end of the most significant relationships that you’ve had in the past month.  Maybe it was two days, maybe it was two years, maybe it was two decades, but when you know you have exhausted the opportunity with your latest beau, you just have to “call it” and go for a cut.  Lies you will tell yourself to prevent the necessary cut:

1. We can be just friends (even though I was madly in love with him, almost got committed, and have spent over 30 days solid crying, analyzing and trying to get space from him)

Odds are, you can’t ever be friends.  Give it at least 6 months and reevaluate once you are no longer emotional and “needing” to still be friends. Trust, it works.

2. After the month that has passed, I am finally over him so we can hang out again (even though we dated for two years and basically owns half my heart, miraculously this doesn’t hurt anymore).

You cannot get over someone in just one month, with whom you had a significant connection with.  If you are the dumper and have been planning to dump him, he is probably not over you.  Give it some time.  A month is not enough.

3. I need my stuff back so I need to get together  (even though going over there will 100% result in us getting back together, which will maybe ruin my life for two more months).

Listen, I took a loss on an entire iPod in 2008.  Back then, that was extremely expensive and I didn’t have a back up to the music.  I’d go back for a pet, but taking a loss on your stuff for your sanity sometimes is the only way.

4. He is messed up and hurting (which is why I dumped him, but I feel bad and I want to help him) so I am going to stop by.

Breaking up sucks and most people hate it and break down, especially if they already were having emotional problems (which may have been the reason you dumped them).  Stand strong, they’ll get over you if you let them get over it without you (sorry, but it’s true).  If you cannot help yourself, check out http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/, you may be co-dependent.  There is a group of people that will help you.

5. I miss him and don’t want to lose contact (even though I know that it is going to kill me to keep in touch, even if I won’t admit it)

It’s not dramatic to feel the loss of someone you were connected to.  It isn’t rare to miss someone who is no longer in your life.  Allow yourself to miss them!  It’s a healthy part of the grieving process and a necessary step for moving on, which is why you broke up with them.

6. If only xy or z happened, it could work out (but we already discussed it and it can’t)

He’s married, or lives in another state, or is on drugs, or cheats on you… whatever it is, the decision was already made.  This is not a Meg Ryan movie where reality changes over night.  You may have him back in your life in a few years when things change, but in the meantime, get out there and live your own life!  Revisiting the conversation only makes it take longer.

These are just a few reasons but the summary: when it’s over it O-V-E-R.  Give yourself two weeks of extreme break up music.  Write a note you don’t send.  Lay on the floor of your dorm or apartment complex and scream out loud until someone ushers you to Pink Berry to calm you.  Do whatever you have to do!  But don’t drag on a breakup for more than a month with emails and what if scenarios.  Time will do the proving, but right now for your relationship, it’s TIME TO CUT.

Bad Boys 101: Introduction

The book of my early twenties was called heartbreak and the star of that book was a slew of college athletes (ranging anywhere from D1 to D3), musicians, artist types, businessmen, older men, best guy friends and uncategorized meat heads.  I’d jump to say shame on me for going there with the male species and burning away hours of time, but I believe that the Bad Boy is an experience that you should have in your lifetime, and the earlier the better.

What is a bad boy:

1. A bad boy lives by his own rules.  You are attracted to him for his magnetism and his extraordinary ability to not live by anyone’s judgement of him (let’s get real… including yours.)

2. A bad boy usually is “unavailable” for some reason or another, often playing a soft hearted “messed up” angle that keeps you hooked.

3. A bad boy may be charming and romantic when he feels that you are no longer within his grasp.

4. A bad boy has no problem “calling it”, chasing after you, getting down on his hands and knees to beg for forgiveness, but usually cannot seem to instate any measurable improvements to his behavior (as far as your girlfriends can see)

5. A bad boy does not need to be “hot” but he needs to be your version of hot.

6. A bad boy will most likely (but does not HAVE to) have a sketchy relationship background which may be painted to you as:

• A series of crazy girlfriends that just “can’t get over him”
• Wanting to “live out his youth”, while needing a committed girlfriend
• Undisclosed
• Consistent fiery relationships and breakups

7. A bad boy may “temporarily” fix themselves to be the man that you want them to be, as we can see in the “transformation” of Justin Bobby for Kristin Cavallari (closest thing to a bad boy tamer that I’ve seen in the media, but we’ll get to that later)

8. A bad boy keeps you interested and suddenly is the only shop in town, even when your friends think you have literally gone mad

9. A bad boy inspires you to make ultimatums that you do not have the strength to keep, and circularly comes in and out of your life every few days, weeks, months against your better judgement

Love them, or hate them (which if you have one you probably do), bad boys make your early twenties interesting. In later posts, I’ll give you some Cavallari worthy tactics to managing your bad boy… if you must.

Married Men 101 for a Single Woman

It starts out as a fun night out with coworkers in Vegas, he’s your neighbor, he’s at your gym: HE’S MARRIED, he’s interesting and he’s into you.  A married fling may feel like an illicit affair, a boyfriend or a best friend, but however it feels, it’s a sticky situation for any woman to manage.  Here are some things to think about before you get in too deep:

1. This guy is married.  So his wife, potentially kids, and life outside of the time he is offering to you are as real as your feelings for him.  Before you become to deep, check out his facebook and his wife’s facebook.  The kids you might see there may change your tune.
2. His “confusion”, his “lack of connection” and his “looking into his priorities” could likely be pillow talk and not a real game plan.  If his life is so bad, why is he so weak that he cannot get the strength to “call it” and pursue you as a single man?
3. Think about your birthday, Valentine’s Day, Christmas and New Years Eve.  You could end up kissing your hand when the ball drops because he has to “show face” to his wife, leaving you feeling very lonely, very second place and very single (because you will be).
4. You may want to be the Angelina exception, stealing the heart of a man that is already intertwined, but are the odds really working for you that he will leave and commit to you?  Think about your time commitment and the likelihood of this really happening.  Why waste a year of time with someone, just to get dumped?
5. Analyze why you do not want to date a single man.  Relationship phobic?  Love an out?  Tough dating market?  There are tons of great guys (contrary to popular belief) who will put you in the center of the fairytale, without a co-star (his wife).
6. Confirm what you want from a relationship.  Dating a married man may give you the chance to fix him, escape your own relationship, have a sexy hot secret fling, or get some attention, but do you want to build a relationship on secrets, lies (to others) and a questionable chance at true partnership?
7. Let’s say that he does break it off with his wife and leaves the relationship, do you want to be the person to carry the blame of his broken family?  Wouldn’t it be easier with a man whose family and friends embrace you, rather than receiving hate mail from his ex?

Just a few thoughts before you get in too deep.  Whether he’s a nice guy or a grown up Bad Boy, married men can take your life on by storm, replicating what looks like a real boyfriend, best friend or love interest.  Live your life to the fullest and place your chances, but make sure you’re playing with a game plan (and not getting played).

Tunes to Tune Your Feelings

Right from the mouth of one of my favorite soulful Bad Girls, (the late) Amy Winehouse, is the perfect tune when strutting on from your latest Bad Boy disaster with your head held high.