The other day a hopeful, yet naive, college student shared this Bob Marley quote with me (shame on him): Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.
Perhaps Bob had other meanings in mind, but this was a “gift” from her “boyfriend”, a typical bad boy who would cheat on her every time that she went out of town because he “just hated being alone”. She had just rejoined school after feeling the need to drop out for a semester because he had emotionally exhausted her- she was back in town and they were “back together”.
LOVE SHOULDN’T HURT LIKE THAT! Love shouldn’t be passive aggressive twitter messages, being afraid to make friends because the person you are in love with might sleep with them or chasing after someone for months and months who will not commit.
There is someone out there that you can love and STILL sleep at night. Many men enjoy taking care of the person that they love, showing affection, staying loyal and being truthful. They are not abusive, so perhaps to some may seem less addictive, but they exist and come just as well packaged.
Instead of wondering why you cannot live without them and posting yet another threat on your twitter that “this is the last time”… take the red flag to your relationship with the real villain ruining your life… yourself.
Find yourself pining a little longer than necessary over a lost romance? Some science proves that people can actually become addicted to pining (*note, you can pine over someone you have never dated. If you are pining over a crush or fantasy relationship, go ahead and get over it like a real one! Reality lives in your mind, and the best way to move on with ANYONE is to breakup).
Scientists say pining for lost love can turn into a physically addictive pleasure and have dubbed the condition the “Miss Havisham effect” after the jilted bride in the Charles Dickens’ novel, Great Expectations. While it is natural to feel devastated when a loved ones leaves or dies, many people never manage to move on from their grief and feel it over and over again for years. Investigators at the University of California, Los Angeles, claim they have found the key to the Miss Havisham effect.Long term grief activates neurons in the brain’s reward centres which may prompt an addiction-like response.
How to stop pining?
Scientists say that the best way to end the desire to pine is to actually allow yourself! Daniel M. Wegner, Ph.D., and his University of Virginia associate Daniel Gold tested the physiological reactivity of 70 young men and women to thoughts of an old flame. In half of them the flame was hot — that is, a relationship was still desired. In the others the flame was deemed cold because the relationship was no longer desired. Don’t try to stop yourself, admit your feelings out loud and they will set you free. From my experience, grieve as hard and as fast as you possibly can. Below is my process of getting over a lost love.
1. Make sure you have “all the answers”- part of letting go, for me, is asking all the questions around the breakup/end that I know I will need answered to move on. Since this person will not be in your life, or you will not be dating anymore anyway, you don’t need to impress him anymore. Get the feedback that will hold you back and riddle your mind for months right off the bat, even if it’s hard to hear. Unanswered questions = pining.
Examples: “Why won’t you make this work?” “Why did you never like me?” “Did you cheat on me just to hurt me?” (note, people don’t often know why they do something, so the answer may be “I don’t know”. Just beware and accept it)
2. Say your peace- at the end a relationship I like to say what I need to say in an open, honest way that is genuine to myself. Screaming “Fuck yourself!” or telling him how lousy in bed he was are bad examples of doing this, you will just end up compounding guilt over it and have to come back to apologize (eek) again (read; https://loverevengesuccess.wordpress.com/2012/02/26/mental-warfare-silence-is-golden/). If you are angry or not ready to share your final feelings, give yourself some space to work it out, then come with the closure conversation. If you clear out your heart, there is less to hold on to.
Examples: “I will miss you.” “This was a meaningful relationship and I learned a lot” “I liked you because you reminded me of someone else” “I always wanted to tell you I liked your eyes, but also that your fashion scares me”
3. Have a night of laying on the floor listening to music- whether it was a real relationship, a crush, an affair, or all in your mind, this is YOUR breakup, so treat it like one! Tell the cashier at Whole Foods about your broken heart. Wear the mascara streaks on your face. Buy some Pink Berry (weight friendly, still satisfying) and watch a sad movie with a girlfriend, cry/bawling the whole time. Or you can do my favorite, blare Mariah Carey and lay on your floor and sob, because Mariah gets heartbreak. You can repeat this violently for up to two weeks- get it out, girl!!
4. Okay, so you have said your peace, you know the answers, and you’ve cried your eyes out. Now you need to get logical: this was not the last guy in the world, and he is probably not that great (that’s why you dumped him). You may end up being his friend some day, but right now, you need to focus on moving on. Make a list of why the two of you broke up and put it on your fridge. Those were the real reasons and those things will probably not change. As you detox of heroin, in moments of weakness, read the list. The list is the truth! Remember that you did not have a perfect relationship, and will find something better with someone else (that’s why you broke up, right?). Make the list when you feel strong and follow it when you’re breaking down
Perfect breakup list:
1. Reasons your broke up
2. Reasons why the good memories were not enough
3. Qualities you need in a man that he does not have
4. Potential implications of getting back together
5. Go out and flirt! The best way to get over someone is to get some fun attention from other guys, or at least see that they exist. At first, you won’t feel into it, but soon you will remember how many people are in the world, how interesting each one is, and how much fun it is to flirt with them. As long as you are locked up at home listening to Rascal Flatts, you won’t be moving on. You will be getting fatter, more single, and more depressing. So do yourself a favor and pull yourself up, put on some lip gloss, and enjoy your evening. You earned it.
Possibly a criticized choice, but Kristin Cavallari is loved by LOVEREVENGESUCCESS for putting herself first and setting an example of how self respect, boundaries and confidence can take you a long way. Though her approach to other woman can easily be viewed as bitchy, her tactics in managing the average “It” Guy are commendable.
After an embarrassing public break-off of her engagement to Jay Cutler, Kristin did not throw herself shamlessly into a depression spiral of gray sweat pants and a 15lb weight gain, in fact, she shimmied across the stage of Dancing with the Stars looking hotter than ever. Jay was in the audience and he must have liked her performance because he put a ring on it and, a few months later, she’s pregnant with his baby.
Kristin makes a good point consistently: if your guy isn’t stepping up to the plate, check him and check into some lycra. This girl puts herself first and carries herself with composure through some bad press and that deserves a cheers from me.
BLAH BLAH BLAH: stop talking. Sometimes the best way to say the most is to close your yapper. Here are a few examples how, when, where and why.
You find out your boyfriend cheated on you.
You dump him (rightfully, what a dog). Unfortunately this is the 6th time you’ve dumped him for this, but the first time you’ve used your new strategy. When he calls, tweets, emails and shows up at your apartment, you’ve got to do the cut and be silent. Give it a month (ouch, I know it hurts, but you can do it!) and let him sit in it. The dose of his own medicine may not cure his illness, but he’ll hear it louder than anything else you could have said.
The words you didn’t have to say: “I have self respect and I’m not going to be treated poorly. You need to change your ways and be a good man if you want to be with me”
You are at the negotiation table of life.
So you’ve put it out there for what you want. Maybe you asked for a better grade, a raise, a bonus, to get married, to break up, to make up. Just be quiet. Let the silence build, maybe even become a little awkward, but hold your cards and let the opponent answer first. Knowing more information works in your favor: he who talks, loses.
The words you didn’t have to say: “I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours.”
You are furious in the moment with a friend who has done you wrong.
Whatever they said or did, and however angry you are, if you can handle the emotional intensity and handle things calmly (or remove yourself abruptly) you will be greatful and look classy. Spewing words you only mean in the moment to take quick jabs will only lead YOU to apologize, which stinks to do when someone else was wrong in the first place.
The words you didn’t have to say: “You messed up, but I’m bigger than losing my cool and I take myself seriously. I will give you mercy, but plan on apologizing in a soulful conversation later to me.”
You messed up on something small and you are getting reemed for it.
Less is more. Allowing someone to vent, whether it is your boss, client, coworker, friend, family member, or boyfriend, when you are caught with your pants down is the best strategy. Hear out the person who has been wronged (they deserve it) and take some mental notes (and plan on backing it up, if they have personal standards). A simple: “I’m sorry I messed up and it has hurt you” will do the trick, instead of digging the hole deeper.
The words you didn’t have to say: “I’m not going to sweet talk my way out of this. I’m accountable, sorry and you can expect me to be honest, legit and listen”.
It’s the end of the most significant relationships that you’ve had in the past month. Maybe it was two days, maybe it was two years, maybe it was two decades, but when you know you have exhausted the opportunity with your latest beau, you just have to “call it” and go for a cut. Lies you will tell yourself to prevent the necessary cut:
1. We can be just friends (even though I was madly in love with him, almost got committed, and have spent over 30 days solid crying, analyzing and trying to get space from him)
Odds are, you can’t ever be friends. Give it at least 6 months and reevaluate once you are no longer emotional and “needing” to still be friends. Trust, it works.
2. After the month that has passed, I am finally over him so we can hang out again (even though we dated for two years and basically owns half my heart, miraculously this doesn’t hurt anymore).
You cannot get over someone in just one month, with whom you had a significant connection with. If you are the dumper and have been planning to dump him, he is probably not over you. Give it some time. A month is not enough.
3. I need my stuff back so I need to get together (even though going over there will 100% result in us getting back together, which will maybe ruin my life for two more months).
Listen, I took a loss on an entire iPod in 2008. Back then, that was extremely expensive and I didn’t have a back up to the music. I’d go back for a pet, but taking a loss on your stuff for your sanity sometimes is the only way.
4. He is messed up and hurting (which is why I dumped him, but I feel bad and I want to help him) so I am going to stop by.
Breaking up sucks and most people hate it and break down, especially if they already were having emotional problems (which may have been the reason you dumped them). Stand strong, they’ll get over you if you let them get over it without you (sorry, but it’s true). If you cannot help yourself, check out http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/, you may be co-dependent. There is a group of people that will help you.
5. I miss him and don’t want to lose contact (even though I know that it is going to kill me to keep in touch, even if I won’t admit it)
It’s not dramatic to feel the loss of someone you were connected to. It isn’t rare to miss someone who is no longer in your life. Allow yourself to miss them! It’s a healthy part of the grieving process and a necessary step for moving on, which is why you broke up with them.
6. If only xy or z happened, it could work out (but we already discussed it and it can’t)
He’s married, or lives in another state, or is on drugs, or cheats on you… whatever it is, the decision was already made. This is not a Meg Ryan movie where reality changes over night. You may have him back in your life in a few years when things change, but in the meantime, get out there and live your own life! Revisiting the conversation only makes it take longer.
These are just a few reasons but the summary: when it’s over it O-V-E-R. Give yourself two weeks of extreme break up music. Write a note you don’t send. Lay on the floor of your dorm or apartment complex and scream out loud until someone ushers you to Pink Berry to calm you. Do whatever you have to do! But don’t drag on a breakup for more than a month with emails and what if scenarios. Time will do the proving, but right now for your relationship, it’s TIME TO CUT.
The book of my early twenties was called heartbreak and the star of that book was a slew of college athletes (ranging anywhere from D1 to D3), musicians, artist types, businessmen, older men, best guy friends and uncategorized meat heads. I’d jump to say shame on me for going there with the male species and burning away hours of time, but I believe that the Bad Boy is an experience that you should have in your lifetime, and the earlier the better.
What is a bad boy:
1. A bad boy lives by his own rules. You are attracted to him for his magnetism and his extraordinary ability to not live by anyone’s judgement of him (let’s get real… including yours.)
2. A bad boy usually is “unavailable” for some reason or another, often playing a soft hearted “messed up” angle that keeps you hooked.
3. A bad boy may be charming and romantic when he feels that you are no longer within his grasp.
4. A bad boy has no problem “calling it”, chasing after you, getting down on his hands and knees to beg for forgiveness, but usually cannot seem to instate any measurable improvements to his behavior (as far as your girlfriends can see)
5. A bad boy does not need to be “hot” but he needs to be your version of hot.
6. A bad boy will most likely (but does not HAVE to) have a sketchy relationship background which may be painted to you as:
A series of crazy girlfriends that just “can’t get over him”
Wanting to “live out his youth”, while needing a committed girlfriend
Undisclosed
Consistent fiery relationships and breakups
7. A bad boy may “temporarily” fix themselves to be the man that you want them to be, as we can see in the “transformation” of Justin Bobby for Kristin Cavallari (closest thing to a bad boy tamer that I’ve seen in the media, but we’ll get to that later)
8. A bad boy keeps you interested and suddenly is the only shop in town, even when your friends think you have literally gone mad
9. A bad boy inspires you to make ultimatums that you do not have the strength to keep, and circularly comes in and out of your life every few days, weeks, months against your better judgement
Love them, or hate them (which if you have one you probably do), bad boys make your early twenties interesting. In later posts, I’ll give you some Cavallari worthy tactics to managing your bad boy… if you must.
Some of us have a good pace for dating, which includes a long courtship where our trust is earned, a friendship is developed, we enter with a level head and evaluate the man in question, rather than allowing him to evaluate us for our worthiness, and it all comes together in a low- key oven-burning passion. Others, a la me at 24, tornado into a relationship looking for an instant connection “insta relationship” type of situation, where all ends up going to hell.
Recently, sitting between a college student and an acclaimed Biologist/Professor (very cute, latin man, solid head on his shoulders. Cute in a way I wouldn’t get until after 25), I was jolted back into college reality that many women sleep with men who:
1. Won’t commit
2. Do not call outside of the physical relationship
3. Keep the relationship on “their terms” (awkwardly avoiding a label, admitting to seeing multiple women when you’ve been “together for some time, not taking you out, not treating you with respect… you get it, you’ve probably read “He’s Just Not that Into You”)
There are women who actually allow men to come over, or worse they GO TO THEM, for sex in the middle of the night and then harbor a secret longing for more.
GIRLS!
If you find yourself being sexual with someone who does not adore you, you need to get with it and snap into some self esteem bootcamp. Case study:
My girlfriend Marie, after a series of Bad Boy boyfriends and chaotic bar incidents, decided to clean up her act. It was only a baby step, but we found ourselves on the floor of Barnes & Noble until we ran into what we now consider the Bible. Basically the gist of the book is easy: you can stop playing games with guys if you stop sleeping with them to soon. She got hip to it, put the brakes on her labido and basically accomplished the point of the book: let a man fall for you as a friend, girlfriend and part of his heart before you allow yourself to be just a “sex thing” (which is the last thing you want to be, unless you are going through a post break-up fit, which we’ll cover later).
The point of the story: if you have class, confidence and care about yourself at all, you are not going to be a 30 minute activity for a guy who doesn’t care about you. You’ll be the main attraction and he’ll be seeing you as the girl he is chasing, you’ll know his friends and you’ll be a part of his life. So wise up!
* Note: I was once naive and thought that nice guys do not need to be held to the dating protocol that I was newly enforcing on bad boys. My answer to this is to keep it plain and simple: until there is a real solid friendship and budding love rapport, keep yourself together, no matter who the guy is.
It starts out as a fun night out with coworkers in Vegas, he’s your neighbor, he’s at your gym: HE’S MARRIED, he’s interesting and he’s into you. A married fling may feel like an illicit affair, a boyfriend or a best friend, but however it feels, it’s a sticky situation for any woman to manage. Here are some things to think about before you get in too deep:
This guy is married. So his wife, potentially kids, and life outside of the time he is offering to you are as real as your feelings for him. Before you become to deep, check out his facebook and his wife’s facebook. The kids you might see there may change your tune.
His “confusion”, his “lack of connection” and his “looking into his priorities” could likely be pillow talk and not a real game plan. If his life is so bad, why is he so weak that he cannot get the strength to “call it” and pursue you as a single man?
Think about your birthday, Valentine’s Day, Christmas and New Years Eve. You could end up kissing your hand when the ball drops because he has to “show face” to his wife, leaving you feeling very lonely, very second place and very single (because you will be).
You may want to be the Angelina exception, stealing the heart of a man that is already intertwined, but are the odds really working for you that he will leave and commit to you? Think about your time commitment and the likelihood of this really happening. Why waste a year of time with someone, just to get dumped?
Analyze why you do not want to date a single man. Relationship phobic? Love an out? Tough dating market? There are tons of great guys (contrary to popular belief) who will put you in the center of the fairytale, without a co-star (his wife).
Confirm what you want from a relationship. Dating a married man may give you the chance to fix him, escape your own relationship, have a sexy hot secret fling, or get some attention, but do you want to build a relationship on secrets, lies (to others) and a questionable chance at true partnership?
Let’s say that he does break it off with his wife and leaves the relationship, do you want to be the person to carry the blame of his broken family? Wouldn’t it be easier with a man whose family and friends embrace you, rather than receiving hate mail from his ex?
Just a few thoughts before you get in too deep. Whether he’s a nice guy or a grown up Bad Boy, married men can take your life on by storm, replicating what looks like a real boyfriend, best friend or love interest. Live your life to the fullest and place your chances, but make sure you’re playing with a game plan (and not getting played).
So it’s over. You met in person like adults, cried healthy tears of sadness, reflected together and agreed to take space but you would be friends. Or if you are in your early 20s, he just went for it and made out with your friend, sent you a text (eek!) or worse you are just now finding out over twitter. Don’t freak out. Here are some ways to handle your social media climate, in the face of emerging relationship-doom:
1. Don’t make any updates, changes or alterations to your Facebook for a week. You may be tempted to take down your relationship status (now unconnected to his), delete all your photos, post an inspiration video (see below) to show that you are over it, put up a hot picture of yourself, or comment on his/your/the status notification to prove your point. Let him have his moment and you’ll end up on-top, looking like you don’t troll the Facebook 24/7 and can keep your cool in a crazy situation/are cool.
2. Don’t post any music videos or quotes about your feelings. It is tempting to use your Facebook as a diary. Don’t. Anything you post will appear desperate or crazy to everyone else. This sounds harsh, but think of how you view this:
Exactly.
3. Do not read what he is tweeting, or who he is tweeting at. It will only make you crazy and will add no value. Plus, your obsession gives him mind-share over your brain, which is a NO for owning your own life. When he realizes that you aren’t watching, he’ll stop acting like a child.
4. Don’t un-friend anyone yet. True, there may be a point down the road where you and his best friend will probably lose contact, that does not have to be today. See how everything plays out for a month, and then unfriend if you find yourself spying on him through their page (which is legit)
5. But if you have to un-friend someone, un-friend HIM. Do this for your own sanity, not to send him a message. Women with a head on her shoulders will directly share her feelings, not act out through passive aggressive social media tactics.
4. Better yet, just stay away from social media. Go for a run, meet with girl friends, cry on the floor, make a scene at Pink Berry… start moving on. Moving on will incite him to either try to get you back (if that’s what you want), or see that you are not a doormat he can play with (which will add to your own self esteem).
So there you have it. The internet is a dangerous place when you’ve been dumped, but if you play it with class, you can land back in the arms of the guy that you love, or at least not look crazy to everyone who knows the two of you (which is better than the former, trust.)
The other day a hopeful, yet naive, college student shared this Bob Marley quote with me (shame on him): Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.
It starts out as a fun night out with coworkers in Vegas, he’s your neighbor, he’s at your gym: HE’S MARRIED, he’s interesting and he’s into you. A married fling may feel like an illicit affair, a boyfriend or a best friend, but however it feels, it’s a sticky situation for any woman to manage. Here are some things to think about before you get in too deep:
loverevengesuccess 